:: Decepticon®..Flipsidebabee ::

:: Sunday, March 20, 2005 ::

Well, I'm back...
I miss Gran. I don't think it's sunk in just yet for any of us. I kept asking Aaron if Gran would be wherever we were going. And Aaron kept reminding me that we had to visit Gran.
Reality is, Gran is gone. Gran went to Heaven. Gran is with Jose, Mrs. Chavez, Uncle Steve, and Grandad. Again I made the brochure:











We made it just like Grandad's to match the scheme of things. I love this picture. It shows them during the happy days.
Now that the funeral is over, I just wanted to say the best thing about it is that all of the family was together. Bud was there with girlfriend Jamie; Jenn and Troy were there with the twins and Izzy; Nana Lore was there; Mom and Dad were obviously there; Jo Anne, Whitney and Brett, and Holly Anne and Jack-Jack were there as well. We saw Great Uncle Cotton who looked less like Grandad because he lost weight, and Great Aunt Edna was there to give us the creeps because she looked exactly like Gran. It was a sad but great occasion. We had so much fun remembering the great times with Gran and Grandad.
Bad part of the whole trip, INHERITANCE! Jo Anne was already mad about some flowers that Whitney's friends had given Gran for the funeral. I mean, what the fuck is Jo Anne gonna do with flowers. We wanted to keep them because we actually had a GARDEN. And don't let me get started on the money thing. Sorry Jo Anne but Uncle Don has been dead for some time and YOU do not have the control over the money situation. Either way, Dad is the oldest brother. If this get out of hand, Mom and Dad said that they were going to liquidate all of Gran's belongings and spliting the profits equally. All I know is Bud, Jenn, and Aaron give no fucks. It's just Jo Anne and the "what about my daughters" damn thing. I miss Gran. That's all that matters to all of us on the Buddy Howard side. The Don Howard side are just selfish people. I mean they wear Louis Vuitton SHIT and nice designer clothes and SHIT. Bud and Aaron were having this conversation:
Aaron: "Look here comes the fashionable side of the family."
Bud: "Yeah, they can keep that side of the family."
:: Aims 3:59 PM [+] | ::
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This is a very serious post...

About a year and a half ago, it all started....

During the fall 2003 semester of community college here in Plano, I met the most wonderful teacher ever. She was elegant and intelligent. I kind of idolized her. I told myself, "I'm going to be her best student ever!" And I was. I got A+ in all her tests and homeworks and presentations.

Around October of 2003, Aaron's Grandad got sicker. He was already somewhat senile. I think it was something about a blood clot. It got relatively worst everyday. He thought he was 7 or 25 or 40. He always thought I was a nurse. We all knew he was dying.

In late November 2003, I got the most shocking news of my life. It was Wednesday morning, economics class. A dude walks into the room. I thought he was a substitute teacher. "I'm sorry to be the bearer of bad news, but Mrs. Veronica Chavez died last night in her home because of heart failure." I cried instantly. She was only 35 years old. I, of course, did not stay in class. I forced Aaron out of his class because he saw me crying through the classroom window. He thought it was Grandad. I told him it was Mrs. Chavez, and that she was dead. I cried forever.

We went to her wake that Friday. It was my first time to see a dead person ever. She looked normal even beautiful, but there was no breath or the rising of chest. I couldn't bear it. It was only a year ago when I lost a friend because of a car accident. I went to his memorial but not his funeral or wake. This was totally something else. I hugged her husband and I told him my name. "She talked about you everyday and how wonderful and smart you are." Nobody ever said good shit about me. Great shit about me for that matter. I was crushed. I quit school the next week and failed everything because I didn't drop them.

A month and 30 orders of KFC later, Aaron and I get a call from the parents. He's gone. He suffered a long time and now he is gone. December 15th was a very dark day for all of us. We all worked so hard and busted our butts to make Grandad comfortable before he dies. But it's all reality now. He's gone. I cried again. I cried a very long time. I immediately came up with a design for his memorial brochure. I wanted to contribute so bad. Deb and Buddy loved the idea. So I made the brochure:











Another familiar scene, but this time I really knew this man. The wake was actually beautiful. Grandad Howard was a very prestigous man in Abilene, Texas. He was a well respected banker and Bank Chairman of the Board. He was Chairman of the Board for the local hospital. He also donated to the Hendrick's Home for Children. He was also part of the Military Affairs Commitee in the Chamber of Commerce. Above all, he was Major of Abilene. He wake room had all sorts of well wishings for the family and flowers in all the colors of the rainbow. He was the most handsome guy I've seen. No stress. No worries. Just peace. I was so afraid, but I touched him. He was so cold and hard. Nothing radiated from this being anymore. Just an image of a man I once new. Just smiling like nothing happened. Not a care in the world. I didn't cry. I didn't want him to all of a sudden frown or something strange like that.

The next day four stretch limos waited for us outside the hotel. Who would've thought that my first limo ride would be to a funeral. The memorial and funeral were huge. All the important people of Abilene were there. We finally cried again and said our goodbyes.

The holidays were sad....

The new year had finally arrived. And I had a new surprise. Aaron asked me to marry him:



Of course I sad yes. Aaron is the one person I have truely connected to. Truely and deeply. I was afraid (I mean what would my parents says, Aaron's five years younger than me, I haven't finished college, blah). I didn't care anymore. I knew that Aaron will always support me in life. I love my Aaron.

February was the last month for us to take care of Leila because Matt and Giselle moved to Lewisville (where currently reside).

It must have been the beginning of Lent that year, I saw Passion of the Chris. Me being Catholic, I took it all to heart. I severely got depressed. I hated that fact that Chris died for me! A person that was such a low life, shacking up with her boyfriend, fucked every single guy out there and the football team, quitting fucking school, disrespected her parents, cut herself, hated herself. I wanted to die. I told Aaron that I should just go kill myself. Guess where that lead to... the emergency room.

I was admitted to Richardson Regional Medical Hospital for four nights. DUDE SOME CUCCCOOOOOS out there. People cutting themselves. People high and in withdrawal from drugs. People with fucking STDs. The people there thought I was normal. Why was I there in the first place? I just hid it from everybody. It's the best device ever.

I always hid shit from everybody. Everyone thought I was a very happy person. I really wasn't. I was abused and isolated until I was 21 years old. My parents were REALLY protective, and what they didn't know was that I was hurting. I was lonely. I was always crying in my room every night. I hated the fact that they left me in the Philippines when I was 3. I hated even more that they didn't pick me up or our visited until I was 6. I admit that I talked to them, but it wasn't the same. I saw videos of me hugging my mother and father. WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED!?! They never did after that. I hurt so bad. I remember everything those days in the hospital. I went to out-patient group therapy for 3 months after I was released from the ward. I also saw a therapist and a psychiatrist.

On my birthday, I shaved my head. THE MOST LIBERATING THING I HAVE EVER DONE IN MY LIFE (and beneficial might I add because now my hair is wonderfully soft and shiny). I emailed my parents a picture of my head. HAHAHAHA. They were pissed and I didn't care:


Around May I threw this big STRESSED OUT temper tantrum that lead me back to the ward this time at Green Oaks. This episode also got me kicked out of Aaron's house (thus the apartment I live in now). I was also not allowed to come with the family to West Virginia to visit Aaron's Grandpa and biological father. The stipulation that Aaron's mother had was for me to find a job and find an apartment in the next two months. I did find a job and it's the job I still hold now. I found a wonderful apartment and Aaron decided to join me as well because Deb was getting really depressed because I was depressed and Grandad just died and..... We were just feeding off each other I guess. We pretty much physically separated ourselves from the family. Deb and Buddy needed time to themselves anyway.

Lots of things happened: Deb and Buddy almost got a divorce, Aaron almost left me and so forth. But they were the great things too: I reconciled with my parents, Deb and Buddy are closer than ever, Aaron and I are planning the wedding. The year ended very gloriously: Dad's surprise birthday, Paskong Pinoy, Grandad's memorial, the small family Christmas get-together, New Years.

Then came Aaron's birthday, my brother's birthdays (Andrew and Aaron), the Tsunami Fundraiser. But then it started again. The weekend we were at my parent's house in Houston for the Tsunami Fundraiser Appreciation Party, we get a phone call that Gran broke her leg and was in critical condition. I cried. The year finished so greatly. I didn't want a funeral so soon. We rushed back to Dallas. Deb told us she was GRAY and looked like Death was right beside her. I cried in the car. I called my boss and ask for the next day off.

We went to the hospital the next day. She was PINK again. She looked good, weak, but good. She had the oxygen canula on her. But she was still beautiful. This all looked promising. We visited her regularly from then until last Tuesday, March 8. I wanted to tell her how beautiful she was. But I didn't. I was too shy and stupid shit like that.

This past weekend (March 12) we took Izzy (Aaron's neice) to Medival Times. We were planning this for a long time. We took her to the park to play on the playground. We took her to Petland where she held rabbits and hampsters and mice, and farrets (but not the snake). She also found a cute poodle she wanted to pet. Afterwards we took her to see Leila-Bean. They played for a little before we had to go to Medival Times. We had such a great time. After we left for home, Aaron called his parents about a weird call he got from Troy (brother-in-law). I asked him what's the matter, but he just said nothing. Izzy and I watched Labyrinth and went to sleep.

The next day we took her to the Mall and Cici's Pizza. We dropped her off at Jenn's and Aaron was so eager that we visit his parents as well. Aaron hands me a pill.

"What's this?"

"Just take it"

"Is it muscle relaxer?"

Nods.

"COOL!"
The pill tasted familiar though. A bad familiarity. What's going on?

Buddy: "Last night while you guys were still at Medival Times, Gran passed away."

NO! Not true! I just saw her a few days ago she was fine!

I knew what the pill was: XANEX.

She's gone.....

My Grandmother, the only Grandmother I had that actually said "I love you" to me and meant it. The woman that changed after Grandad died and became independent. The woman I loved dearly. Here we go again.

I asked work for the whole week off. They sent their condolences.

I just can't belive it. I still can't. We have been so busy that we can't even concentrate on what the hell is going on. I'm doing the brochure again. My name is actually on this one because I'm now part of the family. I have to get everybody hotels rooms for a discount (or more like I wanted to help them out that way). No time to really mourn.

Today is Wednesday. Tomorrow Aaron and I will drive to Abilene for the funeral. I don't know what's going to happen. I don't know how we are all going to react to her all of a sudden just gone...

I miss her so much.
:: Aims 7:05 PM [+] | ::
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New pics:






:: Aims 12:15 AM [+] | ::
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Dude how long has it been? Very... I don't even know if people read this or not. My post are generally boring though, I wouldn't be surprised...
:: Aims 10:25 AM [+] | ::
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Whoa! This is all new shit!

Okay... where to start?
First of all, damn! I haven't written in this thing in forever! So much has happened! Some fucked up, but mostly great times that overpower the shitty times.

Topic 1: Work
I hate my job! It is the phattest paying job I have ever had, but it is so shitty. The people at work are the epidemy of "bitch"! My boss Angie is (I think because she most certainly acts like it) going through menopause; she is always bitchy. Especially lately. She is totally putting down all her employees and just overall making us feel like shit. Why would I want to work for some one like that? She was okay before. Now she is just stressing herself out. "Why can't anybody do their job right!" She yells at us while we are doing our job RIGHT. Giselle and I are actually doing her a HUGE favor by organizing her damn files! She gives us no respect. She acts like she does, but now just feel like she is so selfish. She only thinks about her own ass! Cynthia "The Bitch" is now the nice one. I think she can now understand that we are doing our jobs and Angie is just ignorant. Cynthia and I get along, mainly because we have plenty of similarities. We are depression drugs, we ran away from home, we pretty must like the same stuff. I can get along with Cynthia. Just don't get in her face when she is PMSing. Of course Giselle is great! I love working with her. I'm glad I'm actually working with a friend. Otherwise, I probably would of quit I long time ago.

Topic 2: Matt and Giselle
I love them! Giselle is 8 months pregnant and I worry about her all the time! She isw the smallest thing and I just don't want anything to go wrong with her and Leyla. Matt is great. He is actually tryingt o get a job with our company. He will be working with Loreta and Lana. I hope! He'll do okay though.

Topic 3: School
I am going back to school. It was really stressful not to go to school. $431 was nothing! I'd rather go to school than stay at work. I miss school. I'm taking the following classes: Microeconomics, Government 2, Spanish, and Personal Finance. I'm trying to finish some of my cores. Spanish is for my benefit: everybody and their momma knows fucking Spanish! Aaron says I should take Personal Finance because it can help me balance my finances. He is good at that shit.

Topic 4: Family back in Houston
We are now better people. I get along so well with my parents now. Thank God because I would've never survived knowing my parents hated me. My parent recently got back from Europe and they had a blast! I kinda wished I was there. I have never missed a trip with them. Andrew is totally fucked up. I actually can't believe I am his sister. He talks shit about all the girls he has been with. He hates me because he says everybody blames him for me leaving. He negatively influences my brother and cousin to do stupid shit: "I can get someone to steal the rims you want for you!" DUMBASS!! Aaron is different now since I left. It's not that same with my brother anymore. I cry about it all that time. I miss them I lot. Even when I'm home with them.

Topic 5: Depression
Depression has been a large part of my life. The only difference now is that I'm actually getting it treated. I was taking Lexapro which didn't work for me at all. Now I'm taking Wellbutrin. It is so much better and I'm more lively. I still cry a lot, not knowing the reasons why I am crying. Aaron asks me what's wrong, but I usually don't know. Sometimes I feel like killing myself. My brain hurts and I always hurt all over. I'm always in pain, it just won't go away. It's like having reumatory arthritis symptoms of a 60 year old, but your only 22. I try everything. I go to Harry's to get a massage when I have time and money. That really doesn't help I don't think overall. It does work for a few days though. Harry did this energy healing thing on me and it felt weird. Aaron told me that I was twitching and stuff. He also said I cried like someone was dying. I don't remember crying that bad or the reason why. Harry told me that it was probably something that was really bothering me. Hmmm... I don't know. Aaron is helping me to get a psych and counselor to help my depression even further. I hate talking to people I don't know about my problems. But then again, I wouldn't know where to start anyways.

Topic 6: Aaron
I love Aaron. Aaron is the best thing that ever happened in my life. I don't regret anything that I have done to be with him. He has taken great care of me through all my struggles. He keeps me up. Best decision I've ever made. I tell him that all the time. Sure we argue, but isn't that what all couples do anyway? Without that, how do you learn? The great majority of our lives together is wonderful! We always talk about our days, our concerns, our feelings towards each other, and well you get the point. He is great companionship and partner. YUP! A great partner! :D Everytime we go to sleep, we always cuddle and the whole energy from all the love just radiates from our bodies. Makes me cry happy tears. I am so in love with him. Sometimes, we have this little "sickening to other people" moments where we are just needy for each other and we are inseperable. Yup, we are sickening!
I am afraid of something though. I'm really afraid of losing him. Sometimes I feel like it's too good to be true. Nothing really great stays with Aimee. I fear that I will lose him. Like I will die or he will. Maybe he'll leave me because he is SO young and still needs experience. I don't know. I cry when I drive on my own thinking these things. I can't lose him. I never want to lose him. He is my precious. He is the only one I want. He is my happiness!

Well, I think that is pretty much it then.... 'Till next time. Aims
:: Aims 11:27 PM [+] | ::
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hey aimes --
can you let me know what happened to the Matlab cd i gave to you -- so that andrew can use it-- both david and i need it for the classes we are taking -- i can ask andrew myself if you can give me his cell number --- just email me the number -- alrighty chica -- talk to you later and i hope you you are feeling better
:: Jeena 9:54 PM [+] | ::
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MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!!!!!

I hope everybody has a great day! And of course, all the presents you want! Take care and have a safe one...

With much love,

Aims
:: Aims 9:31 AM [+] | ::
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Which Battle Royale Character are You?
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:: Aims 12:08 PM [+] | ::
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Hey you's guys... Sorry about not writing in a while... life is stressful. I am on Wellbutrin and St. John's Wort to get rid of my depression, but it's slowly going away. Aaron's a little depressed to because of all this. He's on Wellbutrin too. We also take Zanex for the anxiety every now and then if we need it. To be honest, everything is not as easy as I wish it were. I'm not playing games like DDR anymore. Maybe now and then on a good day. We both don't anymore. But we do TRY to keep all our friendships alive, even though it is a little hard right now.
Financial, everything kind of sucks and I feel that I am burdening Aaron's family a lot by being here. But Debbie and Buddy (Aaron's parents) say it's all okay. They'd rather me be here where it is safe then to be out there fucking my life up. Yes I am working at Walmart as a cashier getting paid $8/hour. This guy came into the store and said that Texas Instruments had a coop program for EE majors. He invited me down... problems you ask? NO MODE OF TRANSPORTATION. We have no insurance at that. You learn to sacrifice offers like TI's until the next opportunity because I'm saving up for a car. Aaron' can't just take me to all these places all the time. I have to work for it. Even if it's just at Walmart. I help Aaron's family as best I can around the house and financially if I must.
I'm not getting the apartment in January. I dropped the lease. Matt and Giselle are fine with that and I am paying them $300 for all the troubles that I have costed. This goes back to the car. even deeper is that I'm not ready to alone. I have to learn all that I can from Debbie in order to survive in the real world. Worse yet, my parents have created this ultimatum: I could set foot in the house "if and only if [I] are back to full time schooling or willing to swallow [my] pride or better yet have graduated from it" (quoted from my father's email). That is swirling around in my confused little head.

THAT WILL NOT STOP ME!!!
I am stronger than you all think.

I am not smoking pot! I am not drinking booze! I am not fucking some random loser!
I have a job! Do I spend my money? NO! I know my responsibilities!
I am going back to school this next sem! It might just be a little college, but that is a start!

And most importantly, I am loved by people who love me for who I am and not for who they want me to become. They love me because I am Aimee. They love me like a child of their own... I love them too...
My parents have taught me not to say I love you to parental figures... I just wish I could say that to them...
I Love You...

And I love Aaron... I live with him! You know how hard that is for a sixteen year old to have a very serious relationship? Very... but he is still with me... He is still there through all the hardships so far.

I love you Aaron...

And everybody... I love you guys...
Jeena, Vinny, Jason, Kynan, and Jon
<3 Aims

I'll try to write again soon...
:: Aims 11:55 PM [+] | ::
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Hey Chica -- HAPPY THANKSGIVING !!! -- -i havent heard from you in a bit -- but i hope you are having fun--- hope everything is going as hoped -- the best of luck ok -- i just wanted to wish you a happy thanksgiving -- well anyway enjoy yourself-- tata for now-- let me know how you are
:: Jeena 10:05 AM [+] | ::
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